Why the World Needs Zombies

zombie-on-a-treadmill-funny-70576Everyone needs a zombie. That flesh-eating individual, trying to get by in a pre-apocalyptic world, will mindlessly perform ordered tasks, take out your garbage, clean your garage, or gladly eat your noisy neighbor.

A zombie will never do more than he is told. There is no need to worry that he will outshine you at work. He is too slow moving and cumbersome to be a high achiever. Zombies don’t need to eat, drink, sleep, or concern themselves with hygiene. They may have an offending smell that lingers long after they’re gone. They may nibble on an unattended limb while you are bent over, fishing for something to eat in the employee fridge. It’s not their fault they have sophisticated tastes with a preference for human flesh. Zombies are helplessly drawn to our overly perfumed skin, our flamboyant hairdos and flashy attire. We are walking invitations for the undead to make a meal of our thunder thighs, healthy backsides, and low-hanging underarm fat.

Sure, a zombie can’t solve world hunger or stop that typhoon from coming, but he can wash your car, squeeze your pet’s pesky anal gland, and retrieve your dry cleaning. Next time you meet a zombie, say thank you. Help him to your table. Offer him a fat roll or two. Befriend him. Give him something to do. He’ll make you thin, more successful at work, and increase your odds of attracting the opposite sex, because you look good standing next to a zombie. Take that, Michael Rosenblum. The world needs zombies.

Erica Spriggs